The musings of a Southern Baptist pastor

We are looking forward to many, many weddings in the years to come at our church! I keep joking that I will need to keep my white suit clean (I don’t really have a white suit). With that in mind, my church newsletter article some months ago dealt with Biblical helps for leading our children in this process. I hope it will be helpful to you as well.

—

Dear VBC,

I know you join me in praising God for how He has blessed us with so many children and young adults at VBC. That means that in the years to come there will be many weddings at VBC! Praise the Lord! Our goal is to see all these young people marry and remain with their spouses as one flesh for their entire life. That being the goal, are there actions we can take now to help that happen? Yes.

1. Pray – pray daily, pray often that God will guide the processes through which your children will find their spouses. Pray that they will be free from “the dating spirit” (emotionally giving their hearts away to others – thinking too much about who they will marry). Pray for your children’s future spouses that they would even now be growing in godliness, moral freedom, financial freedom, submission, etc.
2. Teach your children – has God shown you the general plans He would have you use to guide your children through this process? Dating? courtship? chaperoned dating? Tell your children little by little. Pray that God would show you His ways for your family and talk about them appropriately with your children.
3. Keep seeking to win your children’s hearts. If they don’t follow you, how will you lead them in this process?
4. Work on your own marriage as a model for your children. Perfect? No, but let them see you show love to one another (NEVER ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS – and if you do, repent of it). Go on dates with your spouse (often) or walks with your spouse, or sit on the porch with your spouse – let them see that you two are in love. Forgive each other. NEVER TALK CRITICALLY OF YOUR SPOUSE IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN (and best if not to anyone).

So, if you decide to avoid the recent practice of dating, what is the alternative? What does the Bible say? There are numerous great teachings and examples. I have listed some of these resources at the end of this article. THERE IS NO “VBC WAY” on finding a spouse. There is, however, much wisdom in the Bible on the subject.

While every story will be different, what are some of the core components? (these are keys that I see in Scripture, but they are admittedly my personal take on them) Though there are many teachings on the subject, there appear to me to be three biggies – work through the father first, wait to begin until you are ready to marry, and do not be alone.

1. It begins with the young man and his dad/parents. Look all through the Scripture and you will see the marriage relationships involving the parents. Eventually, if God leads a young man to feel a certain young lady may be the one for him, and his parents agree, he should then approach the young lady’s father (NOT THE YOUNG LADY). Gen 28:2; 29:14-18,26; 34:8; 34:16-18; 41:45; Deu 5:16; 1 Cor 7:36-38; Ex 2:21; Josh 15:16-17; Judg 1:12-13; 12:9; 21:1,7,18, 22; 1 Sam 17:25; 18:17,19,27; 25:44; 2 Ki 14:9; 1 Chr 2:35; 2 Chr 25:18; Dan 11:17; Luke 20:34-35

• Notice that even the pagan fathers reserved the right to guide in this process.
• Notice also that the teaching is not just in the Old Testament.
• Samson is a great example of what happens when the young person makes the choice without the blessing of his parents.
• Tell your daughters that if they are approached about a relationship by a young man, to send the young man to dad.
• Protect your young people by teaching them not to be flirtatious. Don’t send them off into to world without you to deal with boy/girl relationships.
• There are numerous helps available for fathers on things to ask the young man. Get to know him. Is he a believer? Is he a growing believer? Does he know how to treat a wife Biblically? If not, the answer is not always “no.” It may that through a discipling relationship, you help him become the man he needs to be to marry your daughter.
• If a young man and young lady hang out together (with or without the parents) before the father is sure the suitor is a godly candidate and the young man wins the young lady’s heart, what is the father to do when he realizes the young man is not suitable? It may be too late as they likely will have already given their hearts to each other.

2.  Let the young man begin the process of approaching the young lady’s father only after he is ready to marry. I cannot recall one godly relationship in the Scripture involving casual dating or children being boyfriends and girlfriends. Until the time to marry, the Scripture tells us that single adults should be devoted to serving the Lord (I Cor. 7:32-24). The picture of how this works out we see in the Scripture is almost always that of a young person serving the Lord in and through his/her father’s house until the time of marriage. Is a young man ready to marry? Spiritually ready? Physically – can he support a wife? Let him pray and ask God and his parents. Then let him pray about the one to whom God is leading. Until then, let him serve the Lord single-mindedly.

3. Don’t be alone together until marriage. The Bible is full of warnings about the dangers of physical temptations. I Cor. 6:18 tells us to FLEE immorality. Romans 13:14 tells us to put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make NO provision for the flesh in regard to its lust. Being alone with someone who is not your spouse is asking for trouble.

There is so much more that could be said, but these three will go a long way toward protecting our young people from some of the regrets many Christian adults carry. Can God create good marriages without the courtship approach? Absolutely. But why risk it? Casual dating teaches young people how to divorce (when you get tired of the other, you break up).

* If you are already married and you did not take the approach above, please do not take offense. I did not either. The approach many of you took is much wiser than the one I took (casual dating). If you ask me, I can point you to some couples in our church that implemented many of the approaches I mentioned in this article. My intentions are to do all I can as a shepherd to protect the young lambs from the pitfalls into which we so easily fall. So, I exhort that we shoot for the safest path toward seeing our children remain pure until marriage and marry godly spouses with whom they can enjoy the blessings of marriage for a lifetime. Has God blessed many marriages that did not follow this pattern? Sure. But how is marriage in America going? Maybe we need to aim higher.

* Are you overwhelmed? That is to be expected. This is not a new pattern, but the last few generations have not known it, so it takes some time to sift through and pray. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to ask. I may not know the answer, but I can point you to those who do.

Some resources:

The Dangers of Dating by Jonathan Lindvall

http://boldchristianliving.com/articles/youthful-romance/the-dangers-of-dating-scriptural-romance—part-1.html

Nathan and Melanie Maxwell’s Story

http://www.titus2.com/nathan-melanie.htm

S.M. Davis sermon series on the subject:

www.biblepreaching.com (scroll down to the bottom of the page)

“What He Must Be If He Wants to Marry My Daughter” by Voddie Baucham – available in the library

“Her Hand in Marriage” by Douglas Wilson

http://www.amazon.com/Her-Hand-Marriage-Biblical-Courtship/dp/1885767269?tag=dogpile-20

Ideas for questions Dad could ask (LONG list – they are just ideas – you don’t have to ask all of them – but you could – this is your daughter after all):

http://www.doorposts.com/samples/courtship-topics.pdf

http://blog.ronnykathy.com/32/courtship-dating-or-betrothal/

May God lead you as you seek to apply His Word and its truths in your family.

I can’t wait to see all the wonderful marriages coming in the days ahead! I thank God for you all and I pray for each of your children each week. I love being your pastor.

Ronny